“Do you think God stays in heaven because he fears what he’s created here on Earth?”
The infamous line from Spy Kids 2 has resonated with me for years, all the way back when I was a little tyke watching those stupid films. I’m a nihilistic person at heart, and I play video games to escape the cold and unforgiving void that the world has become over time. But when you play something more cynical than yourself, the world hits you like a slab of frozen fish and the smell engulfs you. Or something.
Oh Sir.. The Insult Simulator and its 900 remakes is a budget title from Vile Monarch, an apt name, I’m sure, as well as Crush Your Friends, an iOS and Android title that looks like it has personality and not much else. Oh Sir.. was originally an AmJam contest entry which was runner up and won an Audience award. Since then, they’ve pretty much perfected what they’ve made here.
Now, clearly critiquing a crass creation is a clear cut case of crazy consideration. One cannot insult something that is this satirical, it’s like saying that Family Guy doesn’t make sense in the real world. And that’s the hardest thing to do when it comes to Oh Sir.. How to prove it’s not really a fun and or decent experience.
It’s not that I don’t get it or that I’m too mature to understand its crude nature; you’re looking at the writings of a man who still finds Scary Movie 1 & 2 hilarious. My main issue is that this isn’t nearly as crude as it could’ve been. Even from a joke standpoint, a lot of the insults that you craft aren’t even funny and or properly devised. Allow me to go into detail
You are one of ten or so characters, from upper-class Brits, to H.P. Lovecraft, to Lo Wang from Shadow Warrior (No, seriously). From there, you pick one of four scenarios where your argument can take place. There’s also a fifth involving the worst Morgan Freeman impersonation ever, but that’s locked. In the broadest definition possible, this game is Street Fighter with word combos and you have to rebuff your opponent in the most scathing and detailed ways possible.
From here, there’s a board with 8 words or sentence fragments, and you have to compose an insult with the randomly generated pieces. You and your opponent will pick one each in turns and afterwards, will spew them out in the hopes of knocking points off of their respective health meters. You’re also able to choose two more that are related specifically to the character, and with a sip of tea, you’re able to re-do the two in the hopes of finding a grammatically correct end.
These insults can range from anything. A few quick examples are “Your mother is your father”, “Your son has never watched Star Wars” and “Your cousins car smells like a grunting sow”. You see what I mean about the crude nature? It’s so safe and friendly, that it’s not even worth talking about. This is a game released on consoles which have playerbases so salty and toxic, it’s like stepping into a vat of acid that screams “your mom” jokes.
If I were making this game, it’d be no-holds-barred verbal battles. There’d be enough F-Bombs to fill a Tarantino flick and more, so many “your mom m8” comebacks that you’d wonder if the words themselves would cause the mother to perish. The closest this “game” comes to that is “[ENTER SUBJECT NAME HERE] has bum cancer!” and that’s when you realise what this game is. A gag gift.
I’m vehemently against gag gifts and one look upon the name and achievement descriptions would raise suspicions but it’s only until you try to “play” this thing that the proof erupts. It’s a cash in on the meme demographic. It puts “simulator” into the title to attract the people who still buy the DLC for Goat Simulator and fills the place with enough out-of-date jokes that it makes Amy Schumers comedy routine feel like a breath of fresh air.
It’s not until you play the multiplayer option where silence overcomes everything. Playing this game with a few friends was without a doubt the most boring experience of 2017 thus far. No laughs were had. No chuckles, no smirks. We would’ve laughed harder at a funeral for Christopher Walken. I showed this game to everyone I could and not a single person found it funny. My father, my sister, my dog walked away from the controller. Not a single joyous noise left our mouths.
Then again, maybe I’m looking too far into it. Maybe I’m a negative Nancy who wants to hate a game that costs less than $3 because I can. But this is a joke that needs to stop. It’s a cynical and unfunny process that died when Goat Simulator plagued lets-plays and 9Gag tried to attack 4chan. It’s so pitifully embarrassing, that I feel ashamed to have downloaded the 445.6MB the game consists of.
If I wanted a proper insult simulator, I would’ve just gone to my school reunion.
A painfully unfunny experience, similar to pulling your own teeth.