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The Jerk Awards – End of Year Round-Up Pt. 5

Originally, I was going to focus on the upcoming year, be ready for it, and that was that. However…

 

There’s no denying that 2017 was one of the best years for gaming since 2007, without a doubt. You had everybody chipping in to make this year special, and y’know what? It warms the cockles of my black-from-smoking-15-a-day heart. However, there were developers and publishers who were eager to just make my heart blacker, and this is dedicated to them. Welcome to the 5 Worst Games of The Year.

 

Here, we’re going to be more expansive with what we pick. Sometimes, bad games don’t get reviewed due to anger, time constraints, or the fact that sometimes we just can’t be bothered (ESPECIALLY that last one), but that doesn’t mean they’re exempt from the rule. There’s going to be a good mix of everything here, from how they handled the title to cases of pure incompetency. I had to shovel through a lot of VN crap to get this list, so strap that gas mask on, this shit’s going to stink.

 

Road Rage – Quite Literally (PC/PS4/XB1)

 

 

Starting us off strong, with a game that almost touches the legendary levels of shite that Ride to Hell: Retribution left us with.It’s less of an open-world motorbike game than a contest to see what happens first: Well-made AI, or your inevitable suicide from playing this, Road Rage offends on every front. I cannot blame the developer, however, this one’s on the publisher.

 

This got thrown out of the door like an unwanted child because of Maximum Games, as they’ve been doing this a lot to titles this year, from Troll & I to Dead Alliance. I cannot for the life of me understand why, as all of these games have been panned across the board, and you’d find more skin on the body of King George II than you’d find people who’ve actually played their awful, awful games.

 

Except for me though, but that’s because I’m incredibly stupid.

 

Every Artifex Mundi Release of 2017 – Groundhog Days

 

 

Alright, this is a bit of a cop-out, but I cannot think of any other developer who exemplifies the definition of “lazy”, as Artifex Mundi do with relative ease. Every release of theirs has been a reskin of iPhone-tier hidden object puzzles you give to your child so he can stop screaming at walls for half an hour. Depressingly, they show no sign of slowing down.

 

Forged in stone are the words “we add a game every three weeks” on their website, and that statement can’t really be classed as impressive when every game plays the exact same and offers the same brain power as a bowel movement. Patch on some truly awful voice acting and some amateur matte paintings you can pretend are animated, and you have a recipe for some dullard success.

 

You pricks.

 

Star Wars: Battlefront II – “Something far worse has happened to you..” (PC/PS4/XB1)

 

 

OHOHO! Of course we have to pull a sly one here and take a jab at the AAA industry, because it’s the AAA industry, and where else would they learn besides a collective shrill from all of us? For this, it’s more a case of stunning stupidity from EA’s behalf, and while the actual game can be classified as “yeah, it’s ok”, what makes it special is the fire that brewed afterwards.

 

From the most downvoted comment in Reddit history to their back-stepping of microtransactions until a later date, nothing came up Milhouse for EA, with constant missteps and blunders taking place throughout 2017. However, when it came to Battlefront II, absolutely nothing went right. EA, DICE, and the game itself suffered for it. May it continue suffering until it learns a lesson.

 

Shiny – Polished Turds (PC/XB1)

 

 

Ugh. Ughhh. UGHHH. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—

 

Shiny was the first game this year to make me drop everything and spit raging curses towards the Brazilian developers. Coming out of it, I felt a sense of regret, but back then, Garage 227 and 1C Company saw fit to release this, thinking there was nothing wrong with this utterly broken title. However, it didn’t have to be this way.

 

Looking back from my original review, I stated that I had not come into the game with a pre-instilled sense of hatred for the title. That’s still true, as there was potential and the chance for at least a strongly-made game. Alas, not all dreams can come true, and the plethora of issues made it one of the worst games not only this year, but also of recent memory. I’m sorry, Garage 227, but some things have to be said.

 

Dead Alliance – Dead on Arrival (PC/PS4/XB1)

 

 

Another Maximum Games victim, Dead Alliance came out of the gate with an equal set level of controversy that Battlefront II did. Illfonic developed this title around the same time they developed the lovably camp Friday The 13th, and with that, a lot of the player base accused Illfonic of abandoning a cult hit. Not true, as instead, they released this cynical shit to an all time player peak of about 40.

 

Dead Alliance reeks of the same crap Jim Sterling used to showcase on his YouTube channel. Poorly optimized gameplay with a high price tag, next to no content, unbelievably stupid design choices in terms of progression, and a good ol’ frame rate high of about 12, Dead Alliance is still the same trash trash I reviewed for Spooktober. Throw it in the bin. Play Titanfall instead, not its weak dumb mutant baby.

 

There were probably 80 other contenders for this, but short and sweet is the goal for us here, and I think we succeeded. For now, let’s seriously leave 2017 in the dust and remember the good, the bad, the ugly, and the hilarious moments from it all. A stellar year, and now we can all wait and see what kind of mud 2018 will dig up. Fear the future.

Sam Taylor

Owner of the largest collection of indie games in the Western Hemisphere, and TimeSplitters’ biggest fanboy.

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