If you’ve stumbled upon this review, then I would like to offer my deepest condolences. Not for what I’m going to say, but for your apparent interest in this… “game.” Now that I’ve insulted your taste, you’ve obviously going to be in the right mood to listen to what I have to say. If you’re here for some laughs, then read on.
So, SNK Heroines: Tag Team Frenzy. I think the developers weren’t ambitious enough with this game, they should have gone with a longer title. I have an idea that would have been perfect: SNK The Oversexualized Misadventures of Underage Heroines on Heroin: Tag Team Frenzy of the Highest Degree but Not Cause They’re Stoned Out of Their Minds Frenzy Rendezvous.
So what is this game about? I thought the correct answer would be “boobs,” but upon further analysis, I can definitively say that it’s definitely boobs.
“A Tale of Two Cities, If You Know What I Mean”
The story for this game revolves around a pervert named Kukri who sits in his hidden surveillance room— gawking at a bunch of women clothed more in skin than actual clothing. If you dive into the story mode itself, it won’t take you more than 20 minutes to complete it, no matter what characters you pick.
The narrative in story mode is a series of discrete, literary-worthy moments that rival the Japanese classics, like-
Joke’s on you. This game’s story has the consistency of oatmeal where they forgot to put in the hot milk and served it dry and burned. Basically, you can pick any pair of the 14 playable ladies and face off in a series of easy battles until you get to the boss, Kukri. During the story mode, you face off against the other playable cast members for no fathomable reason. After each fight, you’ll be subjected to a cutscene and force-fed a narrative written by some shut-in 14 year-old from somewhere deep within someone’s basement in Japan.
I can’t emphasize enough how much cringe- actually, I think I can emphasize the cringe-factor for this game’s “story” if I try a little. Let’s say your 15 year-old cousin is getting dressed, but forgets to put on anything but her neon underwear and wanders into your birthday party. You are 26 and all your older friends are suddenly gone and their 15 year old cousins replace them, all dressed in almost nothing. Now you’re in jail and have no idea how you got into this situation. You regret everything. You are regret incarnate.
Stripped-Down (Gameplay, You Perv)
SNK Heroines is a 2D fighter similar to BlazBlue, in the sense that it’s a 2D fighter. The controls have been simplified beyond belief. There really aren’t any combos and matches can literally last as little as 25 seconds.
The goal is to wear down (pun intended) your opponent until they’re stunned and then finish them off with an ultimate move. If you wail on your opponent with enough consecutive moves and your special bar is full enough, you can win the match easily. Using special moves drains your special bar, so use them sparingly. This way, you can activate your ultimate move, which requires your special bar to be mostly full. If it’s empty, you can quickly switch to your partner, whose bar is most likely full, to finish the job.
I’ve never felt more frustrated by a fighting game before. Usually, fighting games frustrate me because the controls are really complex and people are just better at the game than me. With SNK Heroines, you can make a simple mistake (the mistake is playing the game) and lose the match in less than half a minute.
I didn’t talk about the items (pastries and stuff) that you can use on your opponent? Well, maybe I skipped talking about those because they’re clumsy, unnecessary, and you probably won’t get the chance to use them. If you do, they’ll be so random and seemingly pointless that you might as well pretend they’re not there.
The gameplay does generally work and can be fun to play for a few minutes, but there’s not really much here.
Nothing to Ogle at
The graphics for this game look like they were crafted with Wii in mind. No, not Wii U, but the original Wii. They’re laughable. I don’t want to kick dirt on the hard work that the developer has put into this game, but the graphics just aren’t acceptable for this console generation, or even the last. It’s definitely cartoonish and not lifelike, but the style isn’t done any justice. Characters are shiny and plastic-looking and environments are blindingly colorful.
Let’s talk about the art style for a little bit. Everything is coated in neon-colors for no reason. It’s all “girly” and sexist in the deepest sense. Oh, you can customize character appearances and unlock outfits, just an FYI.
That’s really all I wanted to say. Let’s not waste any more time talking about this than we have to.
“Wailing” New Single by Underage Scream feat. Your Teenage Sister
Can we not talk about the sound design in this game? Oh, this is a review and we need to talk about all aspects of the game? FML.
The music in SNK Heroines is just as bright and blinding as the visuals. Voice acting is lots of girly noises and high-pitched screaming. The sound effects for items and collisions are… just as grating as everything else about this game. You’d be better off turning off sound for the game and blasting some music. What kind? I don’t know, anything but what plays in this game?
Building Women Up
Just kidding, SNK Heroines: Tag Team Frenzy actually tears women down. Everything about this game is insulting to women. Obviously, they’re not the audience for this game, but should anybody be the audience for this game? There are so many amazing games out there that I simply can’t recommend this game to anyone, not even your creepy pedophile uncle. Well, maybe him, which is definitely a problem.
This review of SNK Heroines is based on the PS4 version of the game.
I think the only real use for this game is as a prank gift. Don’t buy the physical version because that can be resold or returned. I’m talking about logging into your friend’s console account and buying the digital copy so that it’s in their game library forever, a reminder of life’s cruelty. You know what? It’s not worth the money or embarrassment of them finding out you knew about this game.
Word player, note manipulator, and logic breaker. My favorite game is The Last of Us. I’ll argue with you about it all day. Try me. “To the edge of the universe and back, endure and survive…”